Find your voice and speak

Far from the bark of command or the shrill whine of nagging, the voice of genuine communication provides understanding, validation; the sense of being heard, appreciated, lifted out of the mire of self centeredness and onto the higher ground of self acceptance within a healthy partnership. Acceptance, both of self and one’s partner, energizes and empowers that voice, while fear of sharing the truth can cause one to be far too myopic for accurate self appraisal.


For myself, I think fear of any kind produces pain, which then has a tendency to eclipse all else. In the grip of fear induced discomfort, I fail to see my partner’s needs, too caught up in the effort to ease my pain to consider or fulfill his desires. Only through rigorous self analysis have I discovered what I want, what moves and motivates me. This knowledge is quite freeing in itself, yet the real test comes in trusting another human being enough to share and bare all; enough that I might be open, too, to the variations of sexual and emotional hunger which stimulate him.


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Oh, believe me, in the past I have whined big time. I’ve cried in frustration, in anger, in the misguided belief that my raging would somehow convey more than the current of pain upon which it bobs and blows. I have huffed and puffed, and like even the third little piggy knew to do, my man has fortified well against the storm of my outrage. I have blustered madly only to create a tempest of ill will between us. He can’t hear my words or meaning over the railing of accusation and despair. In other words, he can’t hear me speak over the shouting.

I’ve found the climate in our home has progressively improved from early days; the marital storms now few and far between. Being taken in hand has changed the atmosphere considerably, my reactions tempered by a growing respect and subsequent desire to please my man. In our particular case, the dominance my husband naturally demonstrates, has been an unspoken reality rather than a diagnosed and detailed plan for living. Having earned my trust over time, his steadfast love allows me the freedom to express the need for definition; if only for the sake of identification, both with others of a similar inclination, and within our own pleasantly kinky environment.

Reading the many insightful, honest, thought provoking posts on this site has given me a sense of place in society; the reassurance that I’m not alone in my desires. It appears my passion, that innate need of mine to be persuaded, sometimes forcefully, to do what I secretly want to do anyway, is not uncommon. Strong, dominant men of sterling character do exist, as do strong, vibrant, intelligent women aching to submit to them. This site, with its healthy dose of humor and joy, is like a beacon shining through the darkness of ignorance and misunderstanding.

Being married to a naturally authoritative, yet inherently intuitive, caring man, I’ve been fortunate to find my voice. His strength of character seems to have called forth my own, and together we’re thriving in an atmosphere of trust, respect, and exciting prospects for the future. Being able to articulate the deepest desires and darkest fantasies of my heart with someone who treasures and appreciates how I’m wired is amazing. Reading on this site reinforces my self acceptance and gives me new ways to see myself, my husband and our marriage. I'm grateful to have joined the chorus.

Serious Question

Could I ask seriously what about giving the authority to your husband and not retaining your autonomy, makes the communication so much better?

I would think, it's my tendency to think, that communication in an equal relationship will be better than that constrained by authority issues. Why is it supposedly freeing to give up your freedom?

Serious Answer

This is a very strange thing, and I don't know why it should be so, but my husband and I do seem to communicate better since we started having what he refers to as "the new era of dettente". I am a naturally secretive person with a tendency to bottle things up, but nowadays I find I can talk to him about things much more easily, and feel more open about discussing things with him. If something is bothering me I will tell him, rather than going away and brooding on it. I don't really know why it works, but it does, whatever the reason.

I can only think that perhaps it is a matter of temperement? Perhaps most normal people do communicate best in an equal relationship, but if you are the sort of person who hankers for a relationship maybe you blossom in that environment? Something weird inside you just wants that particular sort of atmosphere. And when you get it you're happier. I can't account for it otherwise.

Nowhere in my definition of being in love, which is specific to my own relationship only, is autonomy sacrificed. I always have the choice to do what I am comfortable doing, and always exercise my personal choices. I like a bit of rough and tumble, and was referring to that without wanting to be too sexually graphic when I said I liked to be forced on occasion. Perhaps there is a strong element of fantasy in playing hard with my husband that way. We enjoy it and it works for us.

I was describing the freedom I've found in being honest with myself about my desires, and in feeling comfortable in sharing them with my husband. At this point in my life, I feel able to communicate with calm and precision, what I think, want and feel to my man. That's what I was writing about; the voice of self knowledge, which enables me to share with my husband.